Bored...
LIMES
Posted 2009-12-11 10:19 AM (#22755)
Subject: Bored...
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10010050
C'mon you lot- entertain me- tell me a joke.
marty
Posted 2009-12-11 11:06 AM (#22756 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
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Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
OK Limes, no jokes handy but here are some questions for you to ponder.............




• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

• If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

• Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


• If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

• Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

LIMES
Posted 2009-12-11 4:28 PM (#22760 - in reply to #22756)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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10010050

Now that is funny- thank you- but very true- altho I have the answers for some of them questions! LOL.

Thank you Marty for making me smile!

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-11 7:50 PM (#22761 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Fantastic Jokes ! --Great job !
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Those were fantastic Marty ! I can speculate on two just for fun -- My experiance with the two french girlfriends ive had -- Id say yea thats the way they kiss there and should everywhere as for my opinion .The best you know?-, these chicks know how to kiss !!!!!! - The light in the frezzer thing -- well besides the heat, incondecent bulbs put out -- I think the vast freezing from heat and cold would shorten element life-- Im surprised they dont use Neon , I think neon will ignight in very cold temps, where standard flourescent wont and they last for years and years and put a nice soft light, will have to experament a little . In honesty i am speculating there. Those were fantastic Marty, I have to hand it to you ! Awesome Twisted Humor my friend !
And the coyote Thing Wasnt that Acme stuff cool -- Man They made everything- Great cartoon ! awesome writer !
Also If thats your picture limes -- nice looking lady ! -- Some peeps pictures dont look like them - you know?

Edited by Jim Hudson 2009-12-11 8:08 PM
LIMES
Posted 2009-12-12 3:17 AM (#22767 - in reply to #22761)
Subject: RE: Fantastic Jokes ! --Great job !
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10010050

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

"You didn't!" she hoped.

He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

"No no really," answers the man.

Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!.

________________________________

Oh and yes Jim Thank you, you are soo sweet, that IS me... so it proves...I actually DON'T look like a little green lime. LOL.

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-12 5:31 PM (#22774 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Awesome Fun !
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
See That, Pretty and a good Joke teller -- How cool is that ! We may not allways tell you , limes but yea - your jokes and stories are awesome ! -- It really does add alot of fun to the board-- Cyndi has some cool ones also - I wonder where you guys come up with them -- great fun!-- Oh and god yea not to forget Marty -- Nice job - my friend !

Edited by Jim Hudson 2009-12-12 5:36 PM
marty
Posted 2009-12-12 6:20 PM (#22775 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
500100100100101010
Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
Thought you might appreciate these...................... some local lonely hearts ads

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Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-12 6:30 PM (#22777 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Thats great Marty -- I couldnt write like that if I tried - wonderfull stuff !
TB.
Posted 2009-12-14 10:19 AM (#22791 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Full-On SMF

Posts: 88
50101010
Location: ?
Why did the bakers hands smell funny?


He kneaded a poo.
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-14 4:51 PM (#22796 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."


LIMES - 2009-12-11 5:19 AM

C'mon you lot- entertain me- tell me a joke.
Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-14 11:35 PM (#22804 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Fantastic Jokes ! --Great job !
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Good one Cyndi , -- of course he never would have gotten the chance to walk out the bar other wise so--- at least he got his dream fulfilled-- weird ? -- maybe but you know.
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-15 2:26 AM (#22807 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
Photobucket

The wife bitched me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down.


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Boy, that made her really mad!
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Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-15 2:31 AM
marty
Posted 2009-12-16 7:34 PM (#22832 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
500100100100101010
Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
A HUNDRED PERCENT

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. What makes up 100% in life? How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
font color="#40a0ff"> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far asskissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the top.

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-16 9:16 PM (#22833 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Your words to gods ear !
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-16 10:25 PM (#22834 - in reply to #22832)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
hahaha...Marty that is too funny!!!!



Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-16 10:25 PM
TB.
Posted 2009-12-17 7:34 AM (#22838 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Full-On SMF

Posts: 88
50101010
Location: ?
Q:What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?



A:Dr Dre
Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-17 2:43 PM (#22845 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Poop ?
Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-22 7:46 PM (#22980 - in reply to #22845)
Subject: RE: Bored...
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Dont be BORED !

Edited by Jim Hudson 2009-12-22 7:49 PM
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-24 2:16 AM (#23004 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.

This should keep ya buzzzzzzzzzy Limey! lol....what a smartie!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txq_BogA1NM&fmt=18


Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-24 2:17 AM
LIMES
Posted 2009-12-29 6:19 PM (#23081 - in reply to #22838)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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10010050
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."
marty
Posted 2009-12-30 4:08 PM (#23085 - in reply to #23081)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Nearly A Band Member

Posts: 834
500100100100101010
Location: Auchenblae, Scotland
Looks like Santa had a bit of an problem on his way home the other day - luckily he has another 360 days to get over it! ..........................................

Photobucket

Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-30 11:37 PM (#23092 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Bored...not anymore for me !
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Hey Marty and Limes -- I think its safe to say you guys earned your SMF credencials-- You guys ROCK !
Jim Hudson
Posted 2009-12-31 1:58 AM (#23093 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...OK OK OK OK !
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Credentials of de SMF be da Boss.

Edited by Jim Hudson 2009-12-31 2:07 AM
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-31 3:03 AM (#23094 - in reply to #23085)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
hahaha hey Marty, good one! Poor Santa...



marty - 2009-12-30 11:08 AM

Looks like Santa had a bit of an problem on his way home the other day - luckily he has another 360 days to get over it! ..........................................

SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-31 3:05 AM (#23095 - in reply to #23081)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.


funny one Limey! I like your new avatar photo too!


Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-31 3:05 AM
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2009-12-31 5:29 AM (#23098 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.


T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

***************************************************************************************

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

***************************************************************************************


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."




Edited by SMF Cyndi 2009-12-31 5:29 AM
Lorndog
Posted 2009-12-31 7:28 AM (#23101 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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Extreme SMF

Posts: 155
10050
Location: SCOTLAND
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WALKS INTO A PUB.
THE BOSSMAN POINTS TO THE DOOR AND SAYS,
"GET OUT! YOUR BARD!"
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-01-02 3:12 AM (#23117 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Jokes aew fsnytastic, and enlihjy unlighten the SOUL !
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Mt Tuest wish for the new yeare is that nothing but in deede facts ) Truth is spoken-- In our time od nee BRS od DSB dramma has little meaning -- My nearears resolution is ti try and be free of substances and ythat those whom would slam Me would for reavaluate things id the opst. Such a shame in life to see the " BE " in peopled l Honestty and being youyself is a greatthin- To mne deseprtiv practices- have no lPlase or meaning- these aere the trully wasteed lifes in the world lifes in this onderfull - Be honest for god sake -- If you have something to say-- say it-- Id reather loose a friend that he BS'ed to --well I need that with the trouj m-,A MNF 1 wimm alleays try yo be trus to , as othrer may be fair werthrer friends is my most inoortan attse in kge-- Plesse god lte me have it !
LIMES
Posted 2010-01-02 4:18 PM (#23119 - in reply to #23117)
Subject: RE: Jokes aew fsnytastic, and enlihjy unlighten the SOUL !
Quote Reply


10010050

Um... Jim?- are You drunk? I don't know what the heck you are talking about! LOL.

Now I know how JJ French & Mike Altini felt when I used to write to Cherokee in 'Cockney ryme slang!! LMAO.

LIMES
Posted 2010-01-03 2:10 AM (#23123 - in reply to #23098)
Subject: RE: T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
Quote Reply


10010050

Coded Message

Osmana bin Laden sent Mr Bush a coded message to let him know he’s still alive:
-3 7 0 H S S V-
-0 7 7 3 H-
Bush is baffled even the FBI, CIA & NASA can’t decipher it.
They ask Britains MI-6 for help. MI-6 replies “tell the president he’s holding it upside down”!
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-01-03 2:37 AM (#23124 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Oh Limes - Goodness sake -- am I busted?????? WOW -Really not typical for me. and that is the truth.-- I could try and say a code , not enough 1's and 0's for logic. but I Promissed a Friend! on here that I wouldnt do parting anymore , I didnt lie to her , but decieded to have one last go at it with some friends New years party vacation. Wow Its apparent I cant keep up with them any more -- well a good thing as I feel so much better , stronger and healthier than before . -- besides It apparently -- kinda lost it for me ---- OOOppppss. Ok There jim Behave yourself and all will be ok ? If thats what dementia becomes that would be scarry!

Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-01-03 2:50 AM
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-01-03 3:56 AM (#23125 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Oh Yesssss--- Limes - apparently slipping from good behavior after three months of no parting or so doesnt pay -- Guess Its good I wasnt talking to a cop on the side of the road Hummmm ??? nothing then Three serious substances in one night = No=No=No or =-- The Big House for Jim -- ---- WOW -- I didnt know I could even do that and stand erect. and yet it was such a great party ! Sky was the limit on that one - but my word is given ! to her and you and most important myself --no more --sure seemed fun at the time. Life and careers more importan ( doing my Kieth Richards Improv). HEALTH IS BETTER ! - Good lesson from a Friend? she did have my best interest in mind -- Ill have to stick to that.

Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-01-03 3:58 AM
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-01-05 12:23 AM (#23150 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: SMF Friends -- The Ultimate ! .
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Limes Your such a sweet heart -- yes I promissed another peep on the board "I so care for" -- You know who you are! ---- and I am sinceare! I would behave myself premanently as for " having a good time -- sort of like the Ol bar days'a -- "wow " -- Still alive -- was that a good lesson of how to drive far safely Its amassing to me the bar days tought me well . - In my case the least of it "Hey Im alive " Driving wasnt the hazzard - staying alive with no tollarence was.I was scared - at this reality -wow ! -believe it or not under adverse conditions to say the least ." But It became nessasarry for my health in life -- Yikes I had no Idea how much you could risk your life having fun physically doing this (Tolerences to things drop fast) WOW - very dangerous if you misjudge this one . - Hopefully business possibilities will forgive Jims last hang it loose lesson in life -- compassion can bring you back ten fold of making serious endeavors mean something. Now I just pray for forgivness- and believe me have learned my lessons well.I so hope in life my SMF and friends in life will stay with me . Life with no famally is scarry to me -- but forget all that -- Hey tiss the season to be jolly -- and this year is going to be a winner ! -- Lets go for it ! My home is here -- With my true SMF friends ! My new years resolution is Behave myself -- a done deal and is to be best friends with you all -- That would make me happy beyond the ultimate reality!

Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-01-05 12:53 AM
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-23 5:43 PM (#23473 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.


An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.

'How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my granddad's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Granddad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

hehehe...

SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-23 5:45 PM (#23474 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.

A wife says to her husband, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies, "I just won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now get the hell out."

SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-23 6:24 PM (#23478 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
Quote Reply


20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.

how to spot the TALIBAN......



"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

Photobucket



1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. your cousin is president of the United States


SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-23 6:25 PM (#23479 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
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20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.

Photobucket
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better - everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy - happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added - must be better - like fuel additive!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"



AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-23 6:27 PM (#23480 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
Quote Reply


20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.


For animal lovers...so cute!!! I wanna go there! Wuff wuff!
http://www.petcentric.com/Theater/Video/Snouts-in-Your-Town-Dog-Bark-Inn.aspx?videoid=57081221001&pctvsid=76e0781b-2f76-47ee-9786-0eeebe5f3033&DCMP=EMC-PETC-PETC-Jan10_2



Edited by SMF Cyndi 2010-01-23 6:27 PM
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-28 1:20 AM (#23541 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: RE: Bored...
Quote Reply


20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.

PREGNANT AT 61

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-01-28 1:25 AM (#23542 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: ----changed my mind...LOL..----
Quote Reply


20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.


Edited by SMF Cyndi 2010-01-28 1:26 AM
eoineo
Posted 2010-01-28 3:21 AM (#23543 - in reply to #23542)
Subject: RE: ----changed my mind...LOL..----
Quote Reply
Extreme SMF

Posts: 124
1001010
Location: Dublin
Aaah go on Cyndi - we can take it! Put a "for those easily offended - look away now" warning on it
LIMES
Posted 2010-03-03 7:21 PM (#23908 - in reply to #23543)
Subject: RE: ----chinese wedding night...LOL..----
Quote Reply


10010050
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-03-03 11:47 PM (#23917 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Bored...not anymore for me !
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
WOW Limes -- Awesome to see you back ! -- OMG -- Im sure you know we as men Try ( well most of us) Like hell to please our women ( providing we have one) --And while I love your stories and jokes ( I really REALLY do! ) -- It rings such a true bell-OMG -- we try so hard , we really do! LMAO -- While 100% true -- Oh my gosh It isnt allways easy -- You women are just soooooo- Sexy !( speaking for myself anyway ) To me Its harder than most women realize ! -- For me sometimes I have to try and distract my thoughts to accomplish that --You know try and think about a car for a second or two or something in the midst --
And yes if peeps are clean 69 with women - Rocks -- I Llke it with women ! ( god had that one right) -- I even like the taste -- Hopefully not to much Info ! -- You Rock Limes -- 100% ! What a awesome gift in life -- SEX ! -- To me the best Free bee there is !

-------
And while I definately write to much ( want to Chill a little)-- Its the slamboard -- addicting in it self ! --Especially with such awesome writers!


Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-03-04 12:15 AM
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-03-04 12:26 AM (#23918 - in reply to #23479)
Subject: Thats the Idea!
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
{ From Cyndi} Previous ----

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
-----------
Reply from Jim ---

Right On Cyndi ! -- I love it !


Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-03-04 12:31 AM
SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-03-05 4:07 AM (#23923 - in reply to #23908)
Subject: RE: ----chinese wedding night...LOL..----
Quote Reply


20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.
RE>>>'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

LMAO! Limey, that was really funny! No other "TMI GROSS" comments needed, right?

LIMES - 2010-03-03 2:21 PM

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-03-06 12:26 AM (#23938 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Keep rockin limes !
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Ha Ha Ha ha ha -- Way to go Limes, The Chicks that dig good sex! ( ROCK) --That was really good writing !

Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-03-06 12:39 AM
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-03-06 4:16 PM (#23941 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Twisted - Rockin The World !
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Thank god for having a such a fun slamboard , yea well keep that ! I Dont believe in ( TFI's) --or peeps are stupid -- but can do stupid things - LMAO - Ive done that a few times. I Do belive God loves Rock and Roll ( figured , had to , all the great music ! and really , really awesome music systems! and all, and that hopefully in the end we will all wind up as best friends, Hopefully rockin big time with God one day ! , Imagine how God could rock - if wanted to! rainbows, maybe the back drop - posibilities endless-- (WOW) and hopefully Twisted Sister --Up there rockin with us too ( shoot Id like to be the seventh Sister!) My Lucky # --for sure "7" -- Now that would be a gig! -And im going ! --should that happen .
And for now the more shows Twisted adds- Thats great ! --Rockin the F-in world !

---------
Mine was --- " Rock The Planet !" --





Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-03-06 4:44 PM
Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-03-06 11:13 PM (#23943 - in reply to #23908)
Subject: RE: ----chinese wedding night...LOL..----
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
LIMES - 2010-03-03 7:21 PM

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"


Back to where we should have been -- awesome - limes!!



Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-03-06 11:14 PM
LIMES
Posted 2010-03-16 11:09 AM (#24085 - in reply to #23004)
Subject: RE: HOW MEN LOSE WEIGHT!!.....
Quote Reply


10010050

Cynd- this is for you!! LOL.

HOW MEN LOSE WEIGHT!

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j20/bloodylimey/ATT3.jpg?t=1268752020

SMF Cyndi
Posted 2010-03-17 2:30 AM (#24087 - in reply to #24085)
Subject: RE: HOW MEN LOSE WEIGHT!!.....
Quote Reply


20005001001001001005010
Location: Graveyard BLVD.

OMG...I am NOT even going there sista...LOL!!!


LIMES
Posted 2010-03-24 12:09 AM (#24152 - in reply to #24087)
Subject: RE: I hear American's dare 2 try new foods?!!.....
Quote Reply


10010050

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j20/bloodylimey/l_af4ba949ee9048ab83eec9def71412f3.jpg?t=1269402799

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j20/bloodylimey/blimey/l_7566bf8b435648a3a3388f53154e503f.jpg?t=1269403094

But us English still like to stick with our own traditional foods

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j20/bloodylimey/711px-Mr-Brains-Faggots-Pack.jpg?t=1269403403

http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j20/bloodylimey/Spotted_Dick475.jpg?t=1269403587

Jim Hudson
Posted 2010-03-24 12:43 AM (#24153 - in reply to #22755)
Subject: Still Hungry?-- No pun intended---
Quote Reply


100010010010
Location: Rocking In The Florida Dark !
Oh My goodness limes-- So many ways one could interperate these, LMAO --I love spicy food,sometimes but the name losses the appeal a bit --Awesome stuff though! -- I love all the new pictures too. yours and Cyndi's -- All good stuff.

Edited by Jim Hudson 2010-03-24 12:45 AM